O Captain, My Captain

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

The death of someone who meant so much to you

but who you never knew or met.

Is a peculiar thing. 

It reminds you that no one is immortal.

The death of Robin Williams.

Means to me 

what all death does.

He was important to me.

He brought so much joy to my life

(like that one time

I was in hospital 

after a surgery

and the nurse asked

 if I wanted to watch a movie.

And I picked Jumanji.)

He was important to me. 

And I am sad 

today.

Elli

"You are not fat. You have fat.

 You also have fingernails. You are not a fingernail."

(x)

I was just recently (5 minutes ago) scrolling through a news website, to be precise the

Health -section of it. I'm always up for new tips on how to make my body feel better.

What really irked me, though, was the headlines they had. 

"How to get rid of that little bit of summer weight you've put on!"

with a picture of a woman looking startled, squeezing her stomach rolls.

"When you're young AND fat, you're more likely to die!"

With the same type of picture, only in this one it was just the stomach rolls 

that were present. 

What these headlines are saying is 

you cannot enjoy life if you have fat. 

You cannot jump around in the autumn leaves and have the time of your life

with that summer weight stuck on you.

There is absolutely no hope for your future in relationships or friendships

if you have that extra bit of fat. 

Ok.

There is nothing wrong with liking the way you look.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to lose weight.

You do not have to lose weight even if you have put on those

"extra summer kilos".

You can live a perfectly happy life at size 18. 

Or size 6. Or 24.

You are not a worse person than someone else just because 

you are a different size than them.

Every human has a unique body.

It is their choice and their choice only whether or not

they want to change it.

You do not know better than the person owning the body just by looking at them.

If that news website's health section was somehow transformed into human form 

and took a good look at me naked 

 it'd probably say:

 "she's had a child and been too lazy to work out to get rid of her pregnancy weight." 

 I have stretch marks on my tummy and sides. 

My hips are very wide in comparison to my waist.

The fat in my tummy is mostly in the bottom half of it.

I do have fat, lost of it.

Now, let's take a look at what is really going on and what kind of lifestyle I lead.
(Just to be clear, there's nothing wrong with pregnancy weight either.
Mothers have amazing bodies, they grew a person inside them ! The point
I'm making is that you can never know another person's life or body
entirely unless you are that person)

I am a woman of 21, I enjoy eating things that make my body & brain feel good.

I probably, for the sake of my scoliosis-ridden back, should be more active and do sports

 but I won't make myself do such things if I feel like forcing myself to might lead to mental issues. 

Plus, my back has feeling been fine for at least a year now.

I struggle with my mental health. On a daily basis.

I'm in a happy, loving relationship, have been for 9 months now. 

I enjoy life even though I have to work on enjoying it extra hard

during the tough times of my illness. (More about my anxiety disorder here.)

I am now content with my body.

I don't feel like I need to change it to make someone or myself happy.

If I was unhappy in and with my body, I'd start exercising more and eating better.

I do not have to feel guilty about liking my body.

Please remember that you don't have to, either.

No matter what size you are.

Your body is amazing because it is your body.

No one else has your body.

That also means no one else knows your body like you do.

I think that's a good pointer to end on.

If you're interested in more body positivity,

check out this post.

It's one of my personal favourites.

Be happy,

be what you want to be. 

xx, Elli 

summer makeup tips !

Hello ! 

I am aware that schools have begun and the summer is technically over for some of you.

But as the heatwave keeps going on, I thought I'd share some cool (see what I did there) tips to 

help your makeup not melt off of your face in the sweltering heat ! I've also included some of my summer faves and newbies !

This first one is a bit of a weird one at first.

Baby powder.

Now, I happen to think that this is one of the most important

products in this post. That is because this amazingness 

has saved from so many sticky feelings that it's almost unreal.

Baby powder (mine has talk in it, I've heard it works better if it's talk-free)

works as a base for your makeup, a relief to the sticky feeling you get on your skin 

after a long day in the pressuring heat or just as a final boost for your skin after a shower. 

For my skin, baby powder has been a deep, passionate summer love. I've found myself
being amazed on how good and fresh I feel after putting a tiny amount of this wonder
on my arms, for example. It really sucks away the moisture and leaves behind a fresh feeling
and a fresh smell as well ! What a love.

Secondly, I for sure hate those days when you've done your makeup all nice and go out

- and all the effort goes to waste because it's so hot. Seconds later your eyeliner is on you cheeks 

and your mascara is halfway across the globe by now. 

This is why I've been purchasing waterproof products all summer long ! 

First I changed my mascara, which is the same Maybelline Rocket Volume Express 

as before, only waterproof (surprise).

Then I bought the Maybelline Lasting Drama 36h Gel Liner.

Now, I'm going to be totally honest with you guys and say that this does have the tendency 

to crease and smudge down your lower eyelid if you do not use a proper base 

for your eyelids before applying makeup. But with baby powder or a proper

base cream or solution it stays put nicely ! 

I make sure to always be careful whilst taking off my makeup,

and I've found this Nivea Double Effect Eye Make-Up remover is perfect for the job ! 

My skin is quite delicate so I need gentle products for cleansing,

so far I can definitely recommend this !

This next one is new favourite of mine.

You guys can probably remember my makeup post a few months back, on

which I featured a Rimmel Glam Eyes eyeshadow quad ?

Well, this one is the same product ! Except the colours are a bit more rose hued 

and definitely a lot lighter than in the other quad ! 

The colour of this one is called: 019 Sun Safari.
I loves it. (Especially the rose-y bronze colour on the right apparently)

Lip relief is very important during summer ! What I look for in my lip products is 

not only protection but also that tingly, cooling feeling some lip balms tend to have. 

Thus, the Baby Lips in Mint Fresh is perfect. 

Also, a true classic is the Blistex Lip Relief Cream. I have this on my person

every season, but at summer it's especially effective because it feels very

 nice and fresh on and has a high protection level !

Another year-round favourite, the Tangle Teezer. I bough mine in February 

I believe, and it has served me so well ! Many of my friends say the colour is 

hideous but I quite like it ! Tangle Teezer is especially useful after a cooling 

summer swim, when your hair is all tangled from all the jumping around and diving. 

I just love what this thing does to my hair. 

Last but not least, it's my all time favourite perfume with a new little twist !

Marc Jacobs' Daisy has been my favourite scent for years now, I think I have at least

5 empty bottles of it. This is the new edition that came out this summer I believe, 

Daisy Delight it's called. 

I'm gonna wear this religiously, I just know it. 

What makes this more special is that this lovely perfume was a birthday 

present from my mum <3 I had no idea she was gonna get it for me !

Gotta love mum. 

And that wraps this post !

One more tip on surviving the heat: try to avoid putting on makeup whenever you can.

I've found not wearing foundation and just letting my skin breathe and take in the sun 

(with an high spf of course) has done my skin wonders this summer. It can also help

you relax about wearing makeup, I've found I'm now much easier on my makeup-free face than 

a couple months back. This might go away as my slight tan fades but it's a nice confidence boost 

nonetheless ! There you go, a highly informative post about my little tips for the rest of the summer! 

Have a nice day !

xx, Elli

oh summer

So hello. I'm blogging again to avoid writing my essays <3

No but really, it's good to be back.

Today I thought I'd share some of my favourite pics from this summer, as it is already August and that for me means autumn is right around the corner !

Personally I couldn't be more excited for autumn, this summer has been so so so lovely don't get me wrong, but I just simply adore when the weather gets a bit rainier and colder and GOSH !

Anyway, on to the pics then !

Let's start with midsummer, which was the greatest midsummer I've ever had. I went to stay with my boyfriend and his family and friends and we had a blast. I got home on sunday and was crying my eyes out because I'd had so much fun ! I'm a silly thing. Here's one snap from the evening when we went to see the bonfire ! 

This next one sums up my summer. I've been well fed indeed. Couple weeks after midsummer me and the bf met in our uni city for a weekend of funsies ! There was a festival happening and we had a picnic with our friends. It was truly one of the greatest weekends this summer. (ooooh I get hungry just looking at this photo !)

Oh I almost forgot ! I also had another weekend of funsies with my loveliest cousin ! We had a little photoshoot as well and this was one of my looks.

Now, I've been spending a lot of time at our summer cottage this summer. More than I have in years, I remember being a teenager and detesting the idea of going there haha ! Now I find it relaxing and amazing, funny how you grow up. But an extra special cottage trip for me was when I took my boyfriend there for my birthday. I really wasn't in the mood for an all out birthday with partying until the wee hours of the night - I wanted a quiet, nice birthday. And that truly was what I got. I had such a fun time just bathing and relaxing with the bf and our (family) dog, that will I think forever stay as one of the happiest days of my life.

And now it's august. I honestly have not been that active with my big girl camera this summer, which is a shame because there have ben moments that I've desperately wanted to get on camera ! Luckily I always have my iPhone with me, hence why half (most) of the photos in this post are phone snaps ;)

I think I'll share more pics of this summer once we get to the end of the year and I make another yearly sum up post ! More posts coming this month as well though. 

Ok well that's all today, have a good one ! 

xx, Elli

again

suddenly

you can breathe again 

the air feels lighter

you see in colour

the sky is brighter

you notice details

that first bit of smile

in the sunrise

heartbeats

stronger

every touch

a promise

just like every month of darkness

you swim through in despair

somehow you still remember 

it's time to laugh again

e-n.m

(Originally this poem was titled "spring" but I thought it fit these summer feelings I've been going through lately and I also remembered I haven't posted my poetry here in a while ! This poem is also very much about love and finding comfort in feeling it again,

 hence the final title of it !)

moments

Since I've forgotten my fancy camera back at my parents', 

I thought I'd share some Instagram pics with you since I really feel like posting something today!

This Monday I said "see ya later" to my sister who is going to spend the next year in the US as an au pair ! I'm so excited and happy for her, of course I will miss her terribly but I know she's having the time of her life so it's impossible to be sad. 

Essi if you read this, I love you very much lister !

I'm going to spend this Midsummer with my boyfriend and his family and friends and

gosh am I excited! Happiness and love all around!

Have a great Midsummer!

xx, Elli

Not just "sensitive"

This is a scary post to write. 

Even scarier than the one I wrote about my weight. That post was over a year ago and a lot has changed since then. Not only have I come a long way in accepting myself and my body but also in listening to what my mind and body are trying to tell me. One of these things, that I feel like I've been dealing with ever since I hit puberty but haven't really been aware of it until last autumn, is anxiety. 

I've always been a nervous kid.

 Age 9 I suffered with really strong OCD symptoms. I don't remember much about that time except the fact my mum and dad were really worried for me and I was so afraid of falling ill that I would do this mantra (which lasted for a good 20 minutes) every night and every morning and I washed my hands with insane amounts of soap. So much that the skin on my hands was shriveling away. When I was a teenager I was really moody. I feel like I wad very hormonal and that explains a lot, but I also went through periods of not wanting to eat and that led to me having severe anaemia, which wasn't nice at all. But ok, I'll move on to the more recent part of my story.

In the autumn of 2012, a lot was happening in my life.

 I moved on my own to a new city, started my studies in University and overall felt great about starting this new life. However, when the first exam of my university career came about, I couldn't attend it. The night before I had the worst panic attack of my life. Because I missed the exam and felt so horrible both physically and mentally, the stress towards all other upcoming exams grew unbearable. I didn't know what to to about it then, I was too afraid to tell anyone so I just kept quiet and tried my best. Not realizing, of course, that this would have bad consequences. 

Spring rolled around and I found myself paralyzed with anxiety.

 I couldn't go to class, I couldn't deal with paying my bills or thinking about studying. I think I managed to get out of my apartment a maximum of 3 times a week, and one of those was without a doubt me walking to the train station to go visit my parents for the weekend. I struggled with being away from my family and always had a really hard time coming back to my uni city - I hated being alone in my apartment and consequently I had panic attacks every time I did end up alone on a dark sunday night in my apartment that was cold and unwelcoming to me. It didn't feel like home.

Towards the end of the spring I ran out of money. My rent was insanely high and I couldn't afford to both live and pay rent. That was a stress I could not handle. I spent days and days drowning myself in tv shows and movies and music to escape the madness that was my life and avoiding panic attacks. I was so scared I'd go crazy. So scared. Summer was easier, I spent time home a lot and the stress of studying was momentarily gone so that helped. 

Autumn of 2013. 

I finally realized I needed to take control of whatever the hell was wrong with me. I called our student health services and begged for help, which I received and am forever grateful for. I got a good medication running and sessions with a psychologist. I've been on medication for 10 months now. I moved to a new flat that is a lot cheaper and gotten a hold of my studies (somewhat). 

I'm so much better now.

 But I'm not anxiety free yet and I don't think I'll ever be. There is no way around the fact that I can't handle stress like other people do. I am learning to cope but I know it's always going to be hard. I know that sounds like giving in to the illness to some of you but to me that's not what it is. It's understanding yourself and your own limits. It's coming to terms with mental illness and seeing it as something normal rather than something that you should be ashamed of or something that should be frowned upon or considered as weakness. It's taking control of your own life. 

I have had some setbacks also. This spring I stopped taking my medication because I thought I was feeling so much better that I didn't need it anymore. Then I suffered a panic attack and got really scared, so scared in fact that I couldn't contact my doctor or psychologist in fear of them yelling at me for being reckless with my medication. I am still to face the music from them but I think at least my psychologist will see where I'm coming from and understand. I know now more than ever how important it is to still have appointments with people who can help even when you don't feel like you need it. 

People have always blamed me for being "too sensitive". 

It's true, I feel emotions very strongly and analyze other people's emotions and thoughts with too much detail. I get offended and hurt by meaningless things. I cry a lot. But I also laugh a lot. I love passionately. I feel extreme happiness. 

Overall and to end with, 

I wish that more people knew how strong and amazing people with anxiety are. How they push through situations that are impossible to them. How they still believe in a better tomorrow even though they've not bee able to breathe properly for a solid 30 minutes. How they live and survive and continue being great. 

I have an anxiety disorder.

But I am not my illness. 

I just live with it. 

xx, Elli

(i'm just gonna post this and not think about it, hopefully it's readable)